My Husband

My husband is easily flustered. One day we were driving down the road and I asked 'Do guys like long hair?'. 'Wha-what do you mean?' Paul replied. 'Just what I said - do guys like long hair?' Paul swallowed hard and his eyes darted around the dashboard, as if seeking a sign. After a few seconds of nervous silence I said 'What's wrong?' Paul glanced at my short hair and blurted out 'Is this a trick questions?!' One night we were watching a program about Alaska on one of the nature channels. Paul said 'If I ever have to make a run for it, that's where I'd go!'. 'What do you mean by that?" I asked. He laughed nervously. 'Aahh - nothing, I just.. just - aackgh!' I continued 'So, let me get this straight: If you ever go out for a gallon of milk and don't return, I should look for your sorry behind in Alaska?' Paul jumped off the couch and ran out of the room, sputtering like an outboard motor. I promised him, when we got married, that I would only use my power over him for good.. but I lied! :)

Bedtime for Bonzo

The best time to talk with a guy is at night, right before they go to sleep. A guy will tell you exactly what is on his heart, if you wait until that quiet time when night is closing in, and the house is quieting down. When my son, Chase, was little we would snuggle in my big bed for a while and talk. I would tell stories and we would make plans for the future. Then his big brother, Zac, would come in and take him to his room for bed. My room was at the front of the house, and had a large window that faced East. We didn't have air conditioning, so in the summer months, I would have my bed right up against the window, in order to get all the fresh air I could. One evening when Chase was about 5, we stretched out on my bed for our nightly time together. The only light was from a small lamp in the far corner of the room. Chase was lying between me and window, half asleep, listening to me tell a bedtime story and enjoying the cool night breeze. All was blissfully calm and quiet, when suddenly, out of nowhere, there was a MASSIVE crash against the window! In the moonlight we could make out a hairy shape, plastered against the still vibrating screen and screaming like a banshee! It took a couple of seconds for my petrified brain could assimilate what my popped-out eyeballs were seeing - it was a cat! The stupid family cat, yowling like crazy, trying to get someone to let him inside! 'Stupid cat!' I thundered, kicking at the window - then it dawned on me! Chase had vanished! But before I could yell for help, I felt something move underneath me. I rolled to the side, and there was Chase! In the nanosecond when the hairy apparition sprang onto the window, Chase had somehow managed to deflate himself to the thickness of a sheet of paper and had slid underneath me for protection! How in the world could he have done that?? And he also had to lift my body up high enough to slide underneath! He would have needed a car jack for that feat alone! But somehow me made managed to do just that, and when I got up, his body slowly began to inflate. By the time Zac came for him, he was his normal size and shape, no harm done. Of course, I DID have to change the sheets...

BOOTY SHORTS!

Oh, Lord, it's shorts weather again!! I love shorts, and I wear them all year long, but my shorts are APPROPRIATE for my AGE AND SIZE. Unfortunately the same cannot be said for others in my neighborhood. Whoever invented booty shorts was envisioning them on young, thin college girls with tanned legs and smooth skin. However, they are on the rack in the store where ANYONE can buy them! Please, my XXL and XXXL sista's, DO NOT wear the micro, barely cover the curve of the buttocks shorts! You do NOT have the figure for them! And believe me, especially from the rear view - it is HORRIFYING!! If your shorts are so short that your belly flab folds over them and you can't see them, then for the love of God, DO NOT WEAR THEM! The shorts are so short that I have underwear that covers more than they do, and every size of female thinks they can sport them - YOU CANNOT. And to add horror on top of horror, some fat girls jump on bikes and scooters with their booty shorts on!! We were on the street and a really BIG girl passed us on her scooter. Here's a quiz, boys and girls; did it look like.. A. Her ass was an upside down black hole that was devouring the seat of the scooter? B. The sides of her ass were hanging down like saddle bags? C. Every bounce made the side fat boing precariously close to the spinning rear tire? D. Her ass crack was showing so much it looked like back boobs? E. ALL OF THE ABOVE If you picked E then you are correct. We should all be comfortable with our size, skin color, etc, but you must also be aware of the harm that you can do to innocent bystanders when you try to squeeze your fat (and sometimes OLD) rear into something that was tailored for a 12 year old girl. I'm just saying...

Summertime at last!

We are finally getting some summertime weather here in Yakima. I remember last May .. we had the big pool up and filled by May 15th, and, even though we had to break thru the ice, we were in it everyday until mid October! I bought sun screen by the case, and every day the kids and grand kids would put on their bathing suits and line up to be sprayed before they hit the water. While I was at the store last week I bought some, even though we aren't having a pool this year (cause we are about to move and don't want to PACK IT ACROSS COUNTRY). Yesterday was a beautiful sunny day, so I sprayed on sun screen and then headed out to run errands. At the end of the circuit was a visit with my son, Noah, and his 4 year old daughter, Sofya. We sat outside while we talked about gardening and how much wood he will need for next winter. While we talked, Sofya crawled up in Nana's lap for a quick snuggle. After a moment, she sat up, leaned in and sniffed my neck. Then she looked up at me and said "Nana! I smell bathing suits!"

3 years going on 30

Yesterday was our 3rd yr anniversary! Being married to Paul has been the most wonderful 3 years I can remember - he is the greatest guy on the planet! And we are so connected! A lot of couples can finish each other's sentences - we can finish each other's thoughts! He will say "I can't find my... ah ...my .." and I will say "You left it by the computer." And there 'it' is. We have the same quirky sense of humor. Allow me to share a few examples: Politics - we are talking about how the Presidential election will not be over until - (and we both said this together)'the last dead voter in Chicago casts his vote!' Unisex stuff - our son Zachary wanted to bring his friend Jordan out to dinner with us.. the conversation was 'wonder if Jordan is a boy or a girl' we both said (together) 'the name Jordan is ambiguous..' yes, we even use big words together. But I have to admit Paul is the smart one here .. he is my walking spell check. I will be composing a tweet, and will yell 'How do you spell chafe'... or 'how do you spell prophylactic'.. although he did walk over and ask what the BLEEP I was writing .. he is constantly giving me inspiration on what to write next. My deepest prayer is that my writings will sell enough so that Big Daddy does not have to do anything other than hang around with me and correct my spelling!

Exercising my options ..

We have started walking 2 miles a day - as unbelievable as that sounds. Paul and I are usually the spectators when it comes to any outdoor physical activities, but since we are moving to the beach, we need to work on on future beach bodies, so we decided to walk each morning while he is off from work. It takes us about 40 minutes to make the circuit; I realize that this time is nothing to really brag about, but it is the quality of the walk, not just the quantity that counts. We have a blast being together and making snide remarks about other overweight people, mostly who are gasping for air beside us on the benches that are situated every quarter mile or so. I have fancy walking shoes that are shaped like the rocking chair bottoms. These are to help tighten my buttocks, according to the commercials. What it really does is keep me constantly bobbing about, like those people you see on subways that just rock back and forth all the time. It's like doing the potty dance. And the soles are 3 inches thick! If I fall over, it takes 2 men and a boy to get me upright again! Paul walks in loafers.. has no problem whatsoever. This morning, a group from the Firing Center were jogging circles around us as we plodded down the Greenway path. Tall, lithe, fit, not out of breath .. WE HATE THEM. (The Firing Center is a nearby Army Base.)We don't really hate them, we are just JEALOUS that there is NO HOPE of every being in that kind of shape again. Oh sure, if we were really dedicated and went on strict diets, and worked at it every day we could do it, but come on! Get a life! That is SO not going to happen! I don't mind being old and overweight.. just as long as my buttocks can crack walnuts..

The First Step in Our Big Move

MY HUSBAND IS UNEMPLOYED! But it's ok, he did it on purpose. He worked for the state, and had a small 401k that we decided to cash out, in order to finance our big move to South Carolina. The paperwork said it would take about 90 days to get the check, so we counted back and came up with a date in April for his two week notice to begin. Then we found out that it would actually be less than a week and we would have the check in hand. So now I have a husband at home who has not been unemployed in years! This means that we have lots of time to do stuff together.. or apart, whichever works best. :) We DO have fun together, and he is very attentive and funny. We read together, nap together, take long walks in the rain together, poke dead things with sticks ... oh, sorry, that last one is only me. He is a hoot, and the smartest person I know, but he does not like the thought of his own cell phone! I am trying to get him to get one so I can text him. He says he will get a cell, but NO TEXTING. How can he not want to text?? I love doing that - and TWEETING! I LOVE tweeting, and follow several political commentators, sending them snide remarks! I also email the White House to put an oar in whenever something big is on the horizon. Paul says that is cool, as long as the secret service do not show up on the front lawn. I said that would be OK as long as their 'dates' stay in the car.. we do have a family neighborhood here, after all. It is so much fun to just have me and Paul in the house alone, and him not having to dash off to work! I know it wont last long, so I am enjoying Big Daddy's company till employment starts back up. We will head out in about 6 weeks, so the countdown has begun. I posted a picture of the boxes I have already packed. I got empty boxes from the local liquor store and Paul's former work, so it looks like an alcoholic IT guy is getting ready to move! :)This is the biggest adventure we have ever had, and almost overwhelming, so I am taking it one day/box at a time. But right now there is a dead cat across the street that needs poking - TTYL