BOOTY SHORTS!

Oh, Lord, it's shorts weather again!! I love shorts, and I wear them all year long, but my shorts are APPROPRIATE for my AGE AND SIZE. Unfortunately the same cannot be said for others in my neighborhood. Whoever invented booty shorts was envisioning them on young, thin college girls with tanned legs and smooth skin. However, they are on the rack in the store where ANYONE can buy them! Please, my XXL and XXXL sista's, DO NOT wear the micro, barely cover the curve of the buttocks shorts! You do NOT have the figure for them! And believe me, especially from the rear view - it is HORRIFYING!! If your shorts are so short that your belly flab folds over them and you can't see them, then for the love of God, DO NOT WEAR THEM! The shorts are so short that I have underwear that covers more than they do, and every size of female thinks they can sport them - YOU CANNOT. And to add horror on top of horror, some fat girls jump on bikes and scooters with their booty shorts on!! We were on the street and a really BIG girl passed us on her scooter. Here's a quiz, boys and girls; did it look like.. A. Her ass was an upside down black hole that was devouring the seat of the scooter? B. The sides of her ass were hanging down like saddle bags? C. Every bounce made the side fat boing precariously close to the spinning rear tire? D. Her ass crack was showing so much it looked like back boobs? E. ALL OF THE ABOVE If you picked E then you are correct. We should all be comfortable with our size, skin color, etc, but you must also be aware of the harm that you can do to innocent bystanders when you try to squeeze your fat (and sometimes OLD) rear into something that was tailored for a 12 year old girl. I'm just saying...

Summertime at last!

We are finally getting some summertime weather here in Yakima. I remember last May .. we had the big pool up and filled by May 15th, and, even though we had to break thru the ice, we were in it everyday until mid October! I bought sun screen by the case, and every day the kids and grand kids would put on their bathing suits and line up to be sprayed before they hit the water. While I was at the store last week I bought some, even though we aren't having a pool this year (cause we are about to move and don't want to PACK IT ACROSS COUNTRY). Yesterday was a beautiful sunny day, so I sprayed on sun screen and then headed out to run errands. At the end of the circuit was a visit with my son, Noah, and his 4 year old daughter, Sofya. We sat outside while we talked about gardening and how much wood he will need for next winter. While we talked, Sofya crawled up in Nana's lap for a quick snuggle. After a moment, she sat up, leaned in and sniffed my neck. Then she looked up at me and said "Nana! I smell bathing suits!"

3 years going on 30

Yesterday was our 3rd yr anniversary! Being married to Paul has been the most wonderful 3 years I can remember - he is the greatest guy on the planet! And we are so connected! A lot of couples can finish each other's sentences - we can finish each other's thoughts! He will say "I can't find my... ah ...my .." and I will say "You left it by the computer." And there 'it' is. We have the same quirky sense of humor. Allow me to share a few examples: Politics - we are talking about how the Presidential election will not be over until - (and we both said this together)'the last dead voter in Chicago casts his vote!' Unisex stuff - our son Zachary wanted to bring his friend Jordan out to dinner with us.. the conversation was 'wonder if Jordan is a boy or a girl' we both said (together) 'the name Jordan is ambiguous..' yes, we even use big words together. But I have to admit Paul is the smart one here .. he is my walking spell check. I will be composing a tweet, and will yell 'How do you spell chafe'... or 'how do you spell prophylactic'.. although he did walk over and ask what the BLEEP I was writing .. he is constantly giving me inspiration on what to write next. My deepest prayer is that my writings will sell enough so that Big Daddy does not have to do anything other than hang around with me and correct my spelling!

Exercising my options ..

We have started walking 2 miles a day - as unbelievable as that sounds. Paul and I are usually the spectators when it comes to any outdoor physical activities, but since we are moving to the beach, we need to work on on future beach bodies, so we decided to walk each morning while he is off from work. It takes us about 40 minutes to make the circuit; I realize that this time is nothing to really brag about, but it is the quality of the walk, not just the quantity that counts. We have a blast being together and making snide remarks about other overweight people, mostly who are gasping for air beside us on the benches that are situated every quarter mile or so. I have fancy walking shoes that are shaped like the rocking chair bottoms. These are to help tighten my buttocks, according to the commercials. What it really does is keep me constantly bobbing about, like those people you see on subways that just rock back and forth all the time. It's like doing the potty dance. And the soles are 3 inches thick! If I fall over, it takes 2 men and a boy to get me upright again! Paul walks in loafers.. has no problem whatsoever. This morning, a group from the Firing Center were jogging circles around us as we plodded down the Greenway path. Tall, lithe, fit, not out of breath .. WE HATE THEM. (The Firing Center is a nearby Army Base.)We don't really hate them, we are just JEALOUS that there is NO HOPE of every being in that kind of shape again. Oh sure, if we were really dedicated and went on strict diets, and worked at it every day we could do it, but come on! Get a life! That is SO not going to happen! I don't mind being old and overweight.. just as long as my buttocks can crack walnuts..

The First Step in Our Big Move

MY HUSBAND IS UNEMPLOYED! But it's ok, he did it on purpose. He worked for the state, and had a small 401k that we decided to cash out, in order to finance our big move to South Carolina. The paperwork said it would take about 90 days to get the check, so we counted back and came up with a date in April for his two week notice to begin. Then we found out that it would actually be less than a week and we would have the check in hand. So now I have a husband at home who has not been unemployed in years! This means that we have lots of time to do stuff together.. or apart, whichever works best. :) We DO have fun together, and he is very attentive and funny. We read together, nap together, take long walks in the rain together, poke dead things with sticks ... oh, sorry, that last one is only me. He is a hoot, and the smartest person I know, but he does not like the thought of his own cell phone! I am trying to get him to get one so I can text him. He says he will get a cell, but NO TEXTING. How can he not want to text?? I love doing that - and TWEETING! I LOVE tweeting, and follow several political commentators, sending them snide remarks! I also email the White House to put an oar in whenever something big is on the horizon. Paul says that is cool, as long as the secret service do not show up on the front lawn. I said that would be OK as long as their 'dates' stay in the car.. we do have a family neighborhood here, after all. It is so much fun to just have me and Paul in the house alone, and him not having to dash off to work! I know it wont last long, so I am enjoying Big Daddy's company till employment starts back up. We will head out in about 6 weeks, so the countdown has begun. I posted a picture of the boxes I have already packed. I got empty boxes from the local liquor store and Paul's former work, so it looks like an alcoholic IT guy is getting ready to move! :)This is the biggest adventure we have ever had, and almost overwhelming, so I am taking it one day/box at a time. But right now there is a dead cat across the street that needs poking - TTYL

Sister Whiskers

(sigh).. it is inevitable; I am going to have to do something about my whiskers! At first it was just one or two, and every so often my daughter would say "Hold still - you've got a big one!" and yank a long hair out of my chin. But now it seems like I am plucking whiskers every day!! I even have a whisker plucking station set up for it! Please don't tell me I am the only one who knows you need actual sunlight in order to get all the little white devils out!! I have my magnifying mirror set up in a southern facing window, where I can zero in on them, much to the fascination of my elderly neighbor, who does not even pretend to be doing something else - he just stops what he is doing to watch.. and its not like I am naked or something interesting, he just likes to watch me pluck and wince, pluck and wince. I told my husband the other day that I was going to have to do something more permanent about it. "Look at this!" I shouted. "I am going to have to start shaving!" Paul was not impressed when he had to put on his reading glasses in order to see my 'beard', but I can feel them, they are stiff and wiry and I HATE THEM!! I have seen old ladies that look like members of ZZ Top and I DO NOT want to be one of them!! So I went to the store in search of facial hair removers, and what do you know, there is a whole isle devoted to the different methods a lady can use to 'remove unwanted hair.' I now know that you can zap, fry, rip or cut hair off your face.. wonder why guys only know about shaving with a razor? That is so old school! I can spend hundreds of dollars on a laser gun, which, after continued use, will make the hair never grow back in again. Of course, the skin around the hair will look like the tongue of my old cheerleader oxfords, but it WILL be hairless! Then there is the cream, which dissolves the hair.. and the epidermis.. then the infamous wax strips, where it glues to the hair and you just rip it out. (Wouldn't duct tape work just as well, and for less?) After careful consideration, I made my choice and returned to our humble domicile. "What did you get for that scraggly 'beard'?" Paul asked when I returned. I pulled out a small pack. "A new set of tweezers" I sighed, and smiled out the southern facing window at my neighbor Ralph.. as he pulled his lawn chair up and waved..

Go East, Old People!

The Big Move .. We are moving to South Carolina! In just a few weeks! And we are driving there from Washington State! If I really stop and think about it, it is overwhelming! So I decided to start by packing the priceless inventory in the garage, the stuff I have moved from place to place over the years, the stuff that cannot be replaced! One of a kind,unique items that help define me as a person! But, to my surprise, when I unpacked the dust covered boxes from the garage, my priceless, unique knick-knacks had turned into yard sale junk!! How could this be?? Evidently the garage is in the center of some kind of evil-backwards vortex, which changes objects de' art into objects de' trash-o! So, at this point, it looks like I am only taking my books and my clothes ... On a lighter note, there actually are condos for rent on the beach! We don't want to rent any vacation homes, just something cozy facing the sand. My poor hubby either has to make fistfuls of money or rob a bank, and since he is a God fearing man, he says he will just work his fingers to the bone, in order to keep me in the style I would like to become accustomed to! LOL, just kidding. Paul is the hardest working, kindest, smartest, funniest guy I have ever known! Just the fact that he will even consider high priced on-the-beach apartments is so cool! I have tried to bribe kids and grandkids from WA state to come with me, but no one has taken the bait. It will just be me and Paul, and the sand and surf, lazy evenings in hammocks being lulled to sleep by the ocean's bucolic song, or maybe chasing each other around the dunes until we fall, locked in an embrace ... hey, maybe I don't need extra people underfoot!